Sliding vs Deciding: How Couples Drift Into Commitment Without Choosing It

Most couples can tell you the day they got engaged. Far fewer can tell you the day they decided to be together. On Ep. 77 of You Winning Life, I talked with Dr. Scott Stanley, Research Professor and Co-Director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver, about the pattern his research calls sliding versus deciding.

Sliding is what happens when a relationship moves through a major transition, like becoming sexually involved, moving in together, or signing a shared lease, without a clear conversation about what it means. Deciding is the opposite: two people say what they want, agree on it, and move forward on purpose. The transitions can be identical. What differs is whether anyone chose them.

Dr. Stanley’s research looks at why couples who live together before marriage have shown higher rates of distress and divorce in U.S. studies. He separates two explanations. Selection says the people who cohabit were already at higher risk. Experience says that cohabiting can change the path itself. His commitment framework suggests that some couples who otherwise wouldn’t have married end up married because of inertia. Shared housing, money, and routines make leaving harder, so staying starts to pass for choosing.

That matters well beyond marriage. If you’ve found yourself in a relationship you never quite decided on, or dating the same kind of person after the last one ended, sliding is one explanation worth checking.

Three questions help separate the two. Did we ever talk directly about what this relationship is and where it’s going? Would I choose this person again if leaving cost nothing? What would I need to see change before I could say yes, or no, out loud?

If you recognize this pattern in your own history, the Dating Pattern Quiz is a good place to start. If you’re in a relationship now, you and your partner can each take the Couples Quiz (Relationship Pattern Index) to see where your patterns line up. For ongoing work on patterns like these, see Couples Counseling.

Quick Answers

What is sliding vs deciding in relationships
Sliding is moving through major transitions, such as living together, without a clear conversation about commitment. Deciding is making those transitions on purpose, after both people have said what they want.

What is the cohabitation effect
In U.S. research, couples who lived together before marriage have shown higher rates of distress and divorce. Researchers discuss two explanations: selection (who chooses to cohabit) and experience (what cohabiting does to the path).

What is relationship inertia
Inertia is when shared housing, finances, and routines make a relationship harder to leave, so it continues without a fresh decision. Dr. Stanley’s framework suggests it can carry some couples into a marriage they otherwise wouldn’t have chosen.

How do you move from sliding to deciding
Name the transition before it happens, say what you want it to mean, and ask your partner to do the same. A direct conversation does more than a shared lease.

This conversation is from Ep. 77 of You Winning Life, “Sliding vs Deciding in Relationships with Dr. Scott Stanley” (56 min). Listen to the full episode at youwinninglife.buzzsprout.com.